Bobby Funke: Where were you last night?

Him: That’s where I was last night. (He puts two fingers under Bobby’s nose.)

***

Her: I was out in the parking lot last night.

Bobby Funke: What were you doing at the parking lot?

Her: I was probably getting fingered by Dutch Middleton.

***

My question — what exactly has he fingered?

I mean, he says … that’s where I was … last night? And still foul fingers? Isn’t that a twelve-hour thing?

I don’t know, man. This whole thing looks (and smells) fishy.

Important note: Dig deeper.

(That’s a note to myself.)

“My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor: Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance. In this life or the next.”

There’s a Fight Club quote that never made it to the screen. And you’ll instantly know why.

Here it is: In the movie Tyler says to Jack about Marla: “She’s a predator posing as a house pet.” I know, I know — you know that one.

But then Tyler says something strange, he says, “The shit that came out of this woman’s mouth, I had never heard!”

But what has he heard?

In the Fight Club screenplay by Jim Uhls, third draft, Tyler’s smoking, one of those post-coital cigarettes I heard are so good …

Thing is, I only smoke when I’m drunk, and when I’m drunk, I don’t remember, so — for me — it’s a catch 22 with those post-coital cigarettes …

Anyway: Good girl Marla Singer puts her lips to Tyler’s ear and whispers:

“I want to have your abortion.”

I mean a woman telling you she wants to have your child? That’s so often said, it’s a fucking cliché.

But … an abortion? That’s true love.

I cried for eleven days.

John Dillinger (Johnny Depp) with Billie “Blackbird” Frechette (Marion Cotillard) in a fancy restaurant im Michael Mann’s Public Enemies:

She feels uncomfortable, telling Johnny what’s on her mind: “They’re looking at me cause they’re not used to seeing a girl in their restaurant, in a 3 dollar dress.”

“Listen doll,” he says, “That’s cause they’re all about where people come from. The only thing that’s important is where someone’s going.”

“Where are you going?”

John Dillinger: “Anywhere I want.”

It’s 1974: You’re a tough guy, you’re 22 years old, you’re name’s Michael Gordon Peterson. You rob a Post Office, and for those 26 £ you robbed, you get 7 years in prison.

Now it’s 2009: You’re name’s Charles “Charlie” Bronson, and you’re still in prison. Of all those years, you served all — all but 4 — in solitary confinement.

I mean those sick fucks forget one thing: A guy just wants to have fun. And you have fun.

What fun? (What do you mean … what fun?) Well, what’s there to do in prison?

You can take hostages, you can beat the shit out of someone, you can probably … kill someone?

I mean, c’mon, nothing fancy here!

But those fucks? They don’t get that. So they move you a lot. 120 different prisons, three (very) special hospitals.

This year’s parole was refused, but still … 2009’s a good year. They make a movie about you: 92 minutes on the art of rage. You’re fuckin famous! And isn’t that what you always wanted?

Here are the very first lines of the movie Bronson:

“My name’s Charles Bronson. And all my life, I wanted to be famous. I knew I was made for better things. I had a calling. I just didn’t know what as. I wasn’t singing. Can’t fuckin act. Running out of choices really. Don’t we?”

PS: And what about the gypsy he pissed on?

After his first fight, he gets paid, and it’s peanuts, of course, and Bronson complains to his promoter, Paul Daniels, saying: “I gave you fuckin magic in there!”

But Paul’s unimpressed. “Magic? You just pissed on a gypsy in the middle of fuckin nowhere.”

“God don’t care about you. Don’t care about me. In all of everything we don’t mean nothing. He don’t know us. We be. And that’s the onliest thing He did. But that’s good, that’s why we’re free. But free ain’t easy. Free is real. And real’s a motherfucker. It eats raw meat. It walks in its own shoes. It don’t even waiver. Yeah.”

Drew Bundini Brown to Muhammad Ali in Michael Mann’s Ali. (Photo: John Shearer).

If you think Ali felt depressed after this little speech, imagine how he’s gonna feel the next minute … when Bundini tells him he just sold his belt for 500 bucks to get some booze and smack. What belt? Oh, I forgot, it’s the one they give you when you become The Boxing Heavyweight Champion of the World.

One question though, is this a motivational movie quote? I mean — for sure?

The American Film Institute (AFI) asked a jury of 1.500 film artists and leaders in the film industry to select the 100 best American movies. The list was released in 1998; Casablanca is on number 2. (On the 2007 list, Casablanca is on number 3).

Okay. But there’s another list. And on this list, the AFI’s list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema, guess what, yes, Casablanca has the most quotes of any movie on the list: Six Casablanca movie quotes.

Six from 100? Six. No shit.

In fact, I’d say you can’t watch three minutes of the movie without a memorable line.

Here are the Casablanca movie quotes that made it on AFI’s list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema (in descending order):

67 — Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart): Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

43 — Rick Blaine: We’ll always have Paris.

32 — Captain Lois Renault (Claude Rains): Round up the usual suspects.

28 — Ilsa Lund (Ingrid Bergman) as llsa Lund: Play it, Sam. Play ‘As Time Goes By.’

20 — Rick Blaine: Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

5 — Rick Blaine: Here’s looking at you, kid.

And if there’ll ever be a list of the greatest misquotations in movie history, I’m sure Casablanca’s gonna make it straight to the top with the following line: Play it again, Sam.

It’s hard to believe, but this Casablanca movie quote never appears in the movie. Gets misquoted all the time.

It’s a Groucho Marx line from the Marx Brothers movie A night in Casablanca. And it’s the title of a Woody Allen movie about a neurotic film critic who tries to get over his wife leaving him by dating again with the help of his alter ego: Humphrey Bogart. Somewhere in the movie he says the line, I never saw a dame yet that didn’t understand a good slap in the mouth or a slug from a 45. (Why am I quoting this?)

Talking about misquotes, ask anybody in Germany for a Casablanca quote and you’ll get this answer: Spiel’s noch einmal, Sam (Play it again, Sam) and Schau mir in die Augen, Kleines (translated: Look me in the eye, kid and should’ve meant, Here’s looking at you, kid).

And — can this be true? — both lines never ever appear in the movie. Crazy, isn’t it?

Those movie quotes from Casablanca — you quote them, you misquote them (no matter what language), and still, somehow … it works out.

A magic movie, isn’t it?

Maynard’s (Duane Whitaker) on the phone: “Zed (Peter Greene) ? It’s Maynard. The spider just caught a coupla flies.” 
One of the flies being Big Boy Marcellus (Ving Rhames), the other Butch (Bruce Willis), the I-don’t-go-down-for-nobody boxer. And he who’s not gonna get down, is not gonna spread his ass for a cop’s prick. And that’s bad news for Zed, ‘cause the only thing he’s gonna ride is Zed’s motorcycle — or was it a chopper?

Fabienne: (Maria de Medeiros): Butch, whose motorcycle is this?
Butch: It’s a chopper, baby.
Fabienne: Whose chopper is this?
Butch: Zed’s.
Fabienne: Who’s Zed?
Butch: Zed’s dead, baby. Zed’s dead.

On the Fight Club DVD, right after the FBI and the copyright warning, there’s another one.

A warning from Tyler Durden.

You can skip the first two. I mean who gives a fuck about the FBI and the copyright. But this one’ s important. It’s from the guy who started it all. And you see it for just a second. Bam! And then it’s gone. So watch out. What? You missed it again? Alright. I put it right below this. Take your time.

Warning: If you are reading this, then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second of your life. Don’t you have other things to do? Is your life so empty you can’t honestly think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed by authority that you give respect and credence to all who demand it? Do you read everything you’re supposed to read? Do you think everything you’re supposed to think? Buy what you’re told you should want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job, start a fight, prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity, you will become a statistic. You have been warned. Tyler.