“My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor: Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance. In this life or the next.”

***

• Title/Year: Gladiator/2000
• Written by: Screenplay by David Franzoni, John Logan, William Nicholson
• Directed by: Ridley Scott
• Starring: Russell Crowe, Joaquin Phoenix

There’s a Fight Club quote that never made it to the screen. And you’ll instantly know why.

Here it is: In the movie Tyler says to Jack about Marla: “She’s a predator posing as a house pet.” I know, I know — you know that one.

But then Tyler says something strange, he says, “The shit that came out of this woman’s mouth, I had never heard!”

But what has he heard?

In the Fight Club screenplay by Jim Uhls, third draft, Tyler’s smoking, one of those post-coital cigarettes I heard are so good …

Thing is, I only smoke when I’m drunk, and when I’m drunk, I don’t remember, so — for me — it’s a catch 22 with those post-coital cigarettes …

Anyway: Good girl Marla Singer puts her lips to Tyler’s ear and whispers:

“I want to have your abortion.”

I mean a woman telling you she wants to have your child? That’s so often said, it’s a fucking cliché.

But … an abortion? That’s true love.

I cried for eleven days.

***

• Title/Year: Fight Club/1990
• Written by: Screenplay by Jim Uhls
• Directed by: David Fincher
• Starring: Edward Norton, Brad Pitt, Helena Bonham Carter

It’s 1974: You’re a tough guy, you’re 22 years old, you’re name’s Michael Gordon Peterson. You rob a Post Office, and for those 26 £ you robbed, you get 7 years in prison.

Now it’s 2009: You’re name’s Charles “Charlie” Bronson, and you’re still in prison. Of all those years, you served all — all but 4 — in solitary confinement.

I mean those sick fucks forget one thing: A guy just wants to have fun. And you have fun.

What fun? (What do you mean … what fun?) Well, what’s there to do in prison?

You can take hostages, you can beat the shit out of someone, you can probably … kill someone?

I mean, c’mon, nothing fancy here!

But those fucks? They don’t get that. So they move you a lot. 120 different prisons, three (very) special hospitals.

This year’s parole was refused, but still … 2009’s a good year. They make a movie about you: 92 minutes on the art of rage. You’re fuckin famous! And isn’t that what you always wanted?

Here are the very first lines of the movie Bronson:

“My name’s Charles Bronson. And all my life, I wanted to be famous. I knew I was made for better things. I had a calling. I just didn’t know what as. I wasn’t singing. Can’t fuckin act. Running out of choices really. Don’t we?”

PS: And what about the gypsy he pissed on?

After his first fight, he gets paid, and it’s peanuts, of course, and Bronson complains to his promoter, Paul Daniels, saying: “I gave you fuckin magic in there!”

But Paul’s unimpressed. “Magic? You just pissed on a gypsy in the middle of fuckin nowhere.”

***

• Title/Year: Bronson/2009
• Written by: Screenplay by Brock Norman Brock, Nicolas Winding Refn
• Directed by: Nicolas Winding Refn
• Starring: Tom Hardy

On the Fight Club DVD, right after the FBI and the copyright warning, there’s another one.

A warning from Tyler Durden.

You can skip the first two. I mean who gives a fuck about the FBI and the copyright. But this one’ s important. It’s from the guy who started it all. And you see it for just a second. Bam! And then it’s gone. So watch out. What? You missed it again? Alright. I put it right below this. Take your time.

Warning: If you are reading this, then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second of your life. Don’t you have other things to do? Is your life so empty you can’t honestly think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed by authority that you give respect and credence to all who demand it? Do you read everything you’re supposed to read? Do you think everything you’re supposed to think? Buy what you’re told you should want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job, start a fight, prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity, you will become a statistic. You have been warned. Tyler.

***

• Title/Year: Fight Club/1990
• Written by: Screenplay by Jim Uhls
• Directed by: David Fincher
• Starring: Edward Norton, Brad Pitt, Helena Bonham Carter

Jack (Edward Norton) in David Fincher’s Fight Club.

***

• Title/Year: Fight Club/1990
• Written by: Jim Uhls
• Directed by: David Fincher
• Starring: Edward Norton, Brad Pitt, Helena Bonham Carter